UFPM Unidentified Flying Processed Meat
by Kaori
Summary: There really ought to be a category for plain stupidity, but anyway... this is a Spamfic in the truest sense. I honestly don't know how to describe it except that it involves Relena and spam. Warning: Relena bashing.


Unidentified Flying Processed Meat Bianca H. Armbrister Normal Bianca H. Armbrister 2 126 2001-11-06T02:32:00Z 2001-11-06T02:32:00Z 4 1286 7335 61 14 9007 9.2720 0 

Kaori: It's so nice of you to join me!

Trowa: What do you mean "join" you? You zapped us here against our will.

Kaori: Details, details...

Heero: Are we going to do a fanfic or not? If we aren't I don't see the point in making us hang around here.

Kaori: Impatient little cuss, aren't you? Well today we're going to do a spamfic in the true sense of the word.

Quatre: Meaning?

Duo: There's going to be a lot of unidentifiable processed meat.

Kaori: Correction. There is going to be a lot of unidentifiable _flying_ processed meat. Ayamachi! Machigai! Get out the Spam and Canned Luncheon Meat!

Trowa: Canned Luncheon meat?

Kaori: Just in case we run out of Spam.

Wufei: -_-

Disclaimer: I don't own the Gundam Boys and I don't own Spam… or Canned Luncheon Meat even though they are technically the same thing. Satisfied? If not, too bad 'cause that's the best that I can do.

U.F.P.M – Unidentified Flying Processed Meat

By Kaori

"I am SO hungry!" Duo moaned, sprawled out on the couch.

"How can you be hungry? You just ate half an hour ago." Quatre commented.

"I have a very high metabolism okay." Duo growled. He sat up and stretched his arms and legs before getting up. "I'm going to the kitchen." After a thorough inspection of the cabinets and the refrigerator, Duo could find nothing except a box of leftover Thai food. "Oh yeah, that's right. We finished off the last of the food this morning." Duo said. "Oh well, this is a good excuse to check out the pantry."

The pantry was a very large room that was connected to the kitchen for convenience. They hadn't really gotten around to finding out if there was anything in it (having just bought the house a week ago) however, Mrs. Gibson (the realtor) said that there were some boxes of canned goods in it so no one felt there was any need to go and look.  Duo opened the door and fumbled for the light switch. "GREAT SHINIGAMI IT'S THE MOTHER LOAD!!"

Mrs. Gibson had clearly made the understatement of the century. "Some boxes of canned goods" happened to fill the whole pantry. Duo rushed in, inspecting the contents of every box. "Baked beans, barbecued baked beans, kidney beans , string beans, French cut beans, pigeon peas, black-eyed peas, spinach, carrots, beets, corn, creamed corn, parboiled rice, spaghetti and meatballs, ravioli, tomato soup, chicken noodle soup, vegetable soup, chicken and dumplings, cranberry sauce, peaches, mixed fruit, sardines…" Duo listed as he ran frantically from box to box. "Spam, and…canned luncheon meat? Aren't they the same thing? Oh well, who cares! There's enough here to feed a small army!" He did a little victory dance, picked up three cans of spaghetti and meatballs, and headed into the kitchen closing the pantry door behind him.

After filling the hole in his stomach, Duo settled down in his room to read Sherlock Holmes: The Sign of the Four. Completely engrossed in his book, he forgot about the pantry entirely until he heard a familiar shriek from downstairs…

"HHHEEEEEEERROOOOOOOOO!!!!! WHERE ARE YOOOUUUUU??? HEEEEEEEERRRRRROOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

"Gundammit, just when things were getting good…" Duo mumbled, putting the book down. Walking unhurriedly to the living room he noticed Relena wandering the corridor looking frantic. Maybe if I stand very still she won't notice me…aw crap…too late.

"Duo! Duo, have you seen Heero?" Relena asked, teary-eyed.

"No ojousan, I haven't seen Heero since last night." Duo replied, sighing heavily. Why is it that all she can think about is Suicide-Boy? I'd hate to think what her life was like before she met Mr. Perfect Soldier… Suddenly an evil idea occurred to him. "Why don't you ask Wufei?"

"Thank you Duo, I'll do that." Relena said happily. "Do you know where he is?"

"Third door on the left." He pointed.

"Thanks again, Duo." Relena bounded off.

"3..2…1…" a shriek erupted from the room Duo had indicated.

"AAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!! INJUSTICE!!! ONNA!! HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?!!"

"I'M SORRY! I'M SOO SORRY!!" Relena came running into the hall, cheeks red with obvious embarrassment. Wufei emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his waist. Duo, unable to contain himself any longer, fell down laughing. 

"Maxwell! You sent the Peacecraft onna in here didn't you? You KNEW I was in the shower you dishonorable cur!" Wufei produced his katana (only God knows from where since he was only wearing a towel) and proceeded to chase Duo around the house. Duo, predictably, ran like a bat out of hell.

Trowa and Quatre were playing chess in the living room when Duo came thundering in. "Hi Trowa, hi Quatre! Bye Trowa, bye Quatre!" A few seconds later, Wufei (still only clad in a towel, *obviously*) came rushing in.

"MAXWELL!! HOLD STILL SO THAT I CAN KILL YOU PROPERLY!!!"

"Everyday it's the same thing." Quatre sighed.

"Mm." Trowa nodded moving his rook. "Check."

A few minutes later, Duo came back inside grinning like a maniac and holding something behind his back. Quatre and Trowa shot each other nervous glances. "Duo…" Quatre ventured. "What did you do?"

"Oh nothing much…" Duo chuckled and produced a towel. Suddenly someone pounded on the front door.

" OPEN THIS DOOR!!!! MAXWELL!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!! AT LEAST GIVE ME MY TOWEL BACK!!!"

Fortunately for Wufei, Heero came home and let the naked pilot inside. Wufei, too embarrassed to go after Duo at the moment, went to his room. "HEEEERRROOOOOOO!!!!" Relena hollered.

Oh crap, crap, crappy crap on a crap cracker. Trowa, Duo, Quatre, and Heero thought at the same time. Relena glomped onto Heero like a leech and all the poor boy could do was make strangled pleas for help. The other three pilots, not wanting to get anywhere near Relena, inched out of the room leaving Heero with the over exuberant Peacecraft princess.

"Oh Heero, I've missed you so much! It took me forever to find you, why did you guys move anyway?" Relena gushed.

Kill me now. Heero moaned inwardly. At least Duo lets go after ten minutes, Kami knows how long she'll hang onto me like this… "Omae wo korosu."

"You always say that." Relena pouted. "But that's okay, I know its because you don't know how to express your feelings very well. That's why I'm here. To help you!"

"Joy." Heero muttered.

Upstairs, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei were monitoring Heero on Duo's security system. Nobody knew when or why Duo had set the thing up but they had found it very useful at times when they had unwanted guests. "What are we going to do? Doesn't that onna see that she's annoying Yuy?" Wufei grumbled.

"Of course not. Didn't you ever hear the saying 'love is blind?'" Duo replied.

"That's not love it's stalking." Trowa pointed out.

"True."

"You guys, that's not a very nice thing to say. So Relena likes Heero a lot…" Quatre glanced at the screen just as Relena gave Heero another bone crushing squeeze. "Okay, maybe a little too much, but she means well."

"I say she's a nuisance." Wufei said.

"I second that." Duo nodded.

"So what do we do? She's not going to go anytime soon." Trowa said.

"Then we'll just have to get rid of her." 

"How?" Wufei demanded and Duo got an absolutely devious grin on his face.

"Just leave everything to Shinigami."

Outside, Relena had dragged Heero under the shade of an oak tree next to the koi pond. Currently she had his wrist in a vice grip and was staring at Heero like a lovesick moose. "Heero…" she cooed, and the boy in question cringed. She puckered up to kiss him and Heero wished to every deity that was watching that they'd kill him right there out of mercy when…

WHIIIIIIZZZZ SPLAT!!! Relena shrieked her face covered in disgusting glop. Heero took this opportunity to run for it. Relena wiped the stuff out of her eyes and examined it. "Spam?!" she said, confused. WHIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZ SPLAT!!!!! Another volley hit her in the face which was quickly followed by a barrage of "Spam Missiles." After ten minutes of being splattered, it finally occurred to the Princess of the Cinq Kingdom to run. However, it was a little late, because now the mysterious assailant had decided that opening the can was a waste of time and started hurling the cans, Spam and all. "HEEEEEEERRRRRROOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! SAVE ME FROM THE CANNED LUNCHEON MEAT!!!!!!"

Up on the roof, Heero had joined the "Spam Snipers," in their assault on the Peacecraft heir. "Hey Wufei!" Duo said. "I bet you can't hit her between the eyes!"

"You're on, Maxwell!!" Wufei smirked, took aim, and chucked his can.

"ITAI!!" Relena howled.

"Rats! I got her on the shoulder."

"Let me show you how it's done." Heero volunteered, picking up a can. He hurled it with amazing strength and it hit Relena right in the middle of her forehead. "Damn, she passed out."

"What difference does that make?" Trowa asked. The other pilots looked at each other and then continued to hurl cans of Spam and Canned Luncheon Meat at the former Queen of the World.

~Owari~


End file.
